Hello Reader,
I need to focus on other stuff. Welcome back to the crash out. As you may know i've been crashing out and using Life with Ken as a medium to process through it. It started almost a month ago when I burnt out from working. I usually try to avoid burning out but it's hard for me for more reasons than one. I hate whining on my platform, but for the sake of the crash out, essentially I'm doing too much stuff and the stuff that I am doing is unfulfilling.
The reality is in some respects, and this may come off as a little bold, but basically all of my life has been unfulfilling. At least so far. But, the good news is, i'm starting to understand why that is. I feel as though at least myself and Life with Ken at large is too focused on career goals and aspirations, and this point in history I don't care. Before we started this year I said I wanted to take a step back from politics and news, that's why that content has been relegated to our social media pages.
I don't care about work [anymore] because the reality is, unless God illuminates a path for me to get promoted and make more money, my aspirations of being something more than a cog in someone else's machine is dying off. I don't want to be a thought leader I don't know how I became one. Yes my book is critically acclaimed but it hasn't brought in critically acclaimed money. Sure Life with Ken has internet presence but our corner of the internet and beyond is still relatively small. Anyone who isn't a dumb stupid piece of shit would have deleted the Life with Ken website and dissolved this Newsletter by now. And saved themselves life energy and heartache.
My point is i'm doing things. It's obvious to me that I am doing things. And I am not inclined to fall into the trap of do more things because the only more I can do is crash and burn out. There is always more to do so when you're left with your only option to be do more, one, decide if doing more makes sense for you, and two if it doesn't, don't do more.
I'm not saying that there isn't more for me to do, i'm saying i'm tired of talking and thinking about more because i've been talking and thinking about more at least for 6 years with respect to Life with Ken, and even longer with respect to my life. I'm tired of gaslighting myself and i'm tired of begging people to allow/enable me to pay off debt, and get a home, and pay bills, and save for when i'm older. I'm so tired of having my handout in more ways than one.
People build billion dollar companies and get fired up off of soliciting someone. And if you're the winning complexion, have some type of favor on your life, or are a gen Xer, it's easier for you to make something of your life. I've made something out of my life and it still appears to not be enough in this moment and i'm not inclined to ascend a proverbial mountain and experience some pseudo or anti-christ like transfiguration just so I can earn more money.
It, all of this, is exhausting.
Like i've said more than once now, i'm sorry because I obviously bit more off from life than I can chew. I want to spit this shit out and return the plate to the kitchen for a full refund, call the chef to the front and curse his stupid ass out for having such an absurdly disgusting metaphoric food item on the menu. God, don't send me. I'm over this shit. I usually feel some version of this expressed sentiment every day until I burn out and can't take it anymore... and that's how we've gotten to this point.
Instead of pretending to write another book, creating even more articles and videos and social media content, doing punditry which is better done by people with a larger platform and audience, or whatever other machinations I've been doing, you know what I would really love? To have sex. I just want to have sex on a regular basis. That's it. I don't need Life with Ken I need a girlfriend. That''s what I really want. I could give two fucks about money. I want ass. i've always wanted ass. And that's what I want to put my attention to, getting ass.
I missed my calling and opportunity by not going to California or starting an OnlyFans. I would rather do the aforementioned than this. I don't feel called to change the world. I don't feel called be president. At this rate unless I create an opportunity it's unlikely i'll get a good job with benefits. The bottom line is I have nothing.
If I die today unless someone looks for and finds me, my body will be a rotten husk with bugs and shit because no one truly gives a fuck about me. I'm 30 years old and one day i'm going to be dead. When i'm on my death bed I don't want to be talking about marketing and GTM strategies. I don't want to do any R&D, I could care less about P/L i don't even know how it's calculated. I don't want to be rewarded in heaven for running a business. Shit the reality is I don't need a reward, Jesus is the reward for me. Being face to face with God so I can tell him about himself is the reward for me (telling God about himself is a joke). This stupid ghetto business of busy-ness is crap. WTF is value anyway? That shit is made up.
I want to be free and I don't feel free and i'm partially not free because I keep myself oppressed worried about things that after i've done all I can I need to just leave alone. And the total truth as I see it is I probably just need to do something else with my life completely. I could say more because I definitely didn't get all of these feeling out of me, but to conclude, I need to give my attention to other hopefully more soul rewarding things. I have an idea of what I think that is but I know it's not being concerned about career. And again, it's not because I haven't done anything with myself, but rather it's because whatever I do continues to reveal itself to me as not being enough. And I don't want to live however much life I have left giving my best to something that barely wants to acknowledge me.
But, only God knows...